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Meet Victor Barnacle
The Queen kept scanning the organization chart, looking for a vacant slot. There had to be something the little man could do. Scribe? Wig weaver? Sconce scrubber? At least she knew he had a tenacious personality, and could definitely count on him for relentless persistence.
It was cold that morning in 1820, and a fog was beginning to descend upon the castle when Queen Victoria pulled on a velvet cord and summoned Victor Barnacle to the courtyard below. Victor tugged his
waistcoat down over his bulging stomach and peered up into the mist.
“You pulled, my queen?”
“Vic,” the queen yelled, “I’ve got a job for you! Go thee into the land and tell the masses to pen their memos and things in a matter befitting my supreme greatness. You know, ornate and flowery. I want to be remembered.”
“What?!” Victor shouted.
“Get a bunch of quill pens and be off with you!”
Victor bowed away, loaded his cart with quill pens and whipped his donkey into the hither and over the yon, handing out pens to lords, serfs, masters, slaves, and entry-level administrators.
“Here, write like the queen,” he shouted. “Don’t say The carriage wheel bolds are worn out. Instead, say It should be noted that the wearing of the carriage wheel bolts has reached a maximum level.”
From clothier to comptroller to banker to bard, the dauntless pair plodded on through storm and sludge, month after month, year after year, stopping only to requisition more quill pens. Like Paul Revere, like Johnny Appleseed, Victor Barnacle had become one with his mission: “Cast out clarity!” he bellowed. “Dip thy quill in the ornate! Scribble the flowery!” It was the winter of his content, but all that travel was just too exhausting. In his final hour, the darkness descending, he was still urging his donkey onward.
Like all spirits with missions unfulfilled, Victor’s refused to cross over. Even now, his portly specter pushes on, clinging to a time and expression long in the bygone. His voice is still among us, ageless in its obsession, still coaxing, still commanding: “Don’t say The software is incompatible. Instead, say It can be seen that a software incompatibility is presently
in effect.”
Today, nearly 185 years after Victor went forth for the queen, we still hear the sound of quill pens scribbling. We still see emails and memos that begin with “Herewith.” Don’t look now, but there’s a long-eared ghost in visitor parking.
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Author's Note:
The story of Victor Barnacle suggests that there are still pockets of flowery, convoluted writing in today's organizations, be they in the corporate world, government agencies, colleges and universities, the sciences, or any other place where people have to write effectively to get the job done. Well, the suggestion may have merit. Our hero, Victor, definitely left his mark, and even today students continue to produce writing replete with “big” words and confusing, convoluted sentences.
When that kind of writing shows up in our writing center, consultants take a variety of approaches to help the writer off the “high horse” and back down to earth. One consultant told a student, “If you wouldn’t use the word in conversation don’t use it in writing.” Or, “if you wouldn’t say it, don’t write it.” In cases like this, students have to be reminded that their speaking and writing vocabularies are larger than they realize, and they don’t have to reach for fancy, highfalutin words to get their message across.
Finally, there is one other pitfall students must avoid—the urge to use as many abstract, multi-syllabic words as possible, thinking that big words reflect a big brain. Granted, audience analysis plays an important part here, but so does caution. The next time a student writes, "I attended a dimuitive sanguine-colored edifice utilized for educational purposes," try to talk her into "I attended a little red schoolhouse." There is a saying: write to express, not to impress. Winston Churchill may have said it best: "Little minds use big words. Big minds use little words."